I first moved to London two years ago to start a job in the Healthcare Industry. I’d heard many a tale of the far-from-delightful experience that is travelling during rush hour on the tubes. ‘How bad can it be?’ I thought. ‘Surely, you just muck in and get on with it?’

As a ‘get on with it’ kind of girl, I was kind of right. The tubes don’t bother me to an unbearable extent and as much as I hate being the perfect height for a face full of sweaty armpit, or having to fight for survival in the queue for the Northern Line, you do inevitably grin and bare it (well, maybe not grin so much, but still.) Yes, it’s far from ideal. Sure, I’d rather drive to work in the luxury comfort of a white Audi TT. Or better still, have a personal chauffeur so I can slump back in my seat and revel in the delights of the air conditioning.

The thing is, the problem for me isn’t the tube itself. The problem for me is the everyday traveller that accompanies me on my journeys.

Funnily enough, this topic became a regular conversation starter in the Harley Street Office. My two colleagues and I even set up a whatsapp group called ‘Commuter Hates’ so we could hilariously collect our commuter anecdotes for our own daily amusements.

So, here are my top 3 most annoying situations on the tube that I thought I’d share with you:

1. Newspapers (at rush hour- read whilst standing)

Ok, I get that you want to catch up on the news. It’s important and in our busy lives there is little opportunity to actually find the time to read and inform ourselves of what is happening outside of our individual bubbles. So why not use your tube journey to catch up with a free Metro or Evening Standard? Excellent. Efficient use of time, and fortunately the read happens to make the journey go a lot quicker. Bargain. Result. Winning. I. Feel. So. At. One. With. The. World.

Well NO actually, you’re wrong….

It’s fundamentally annoying. And selfish. You just crack on with your paper, don’t mind me who’s got 4 paper cuts to the face because I’m 2 inches away from you and you’re STILL turning the pages as if I don’t exist, regardless. Oh sorry, am I in the way of your paper? Allow me to just move my face so it’s at a 90 degree angle to my body just so you can finish reading about Molly from the Saturdays’ latest break-up. I mean, sure my face is resting awkwardly on a strangers shoulder but that’s cool, YOLO. In fact, after a long day at work, that’s exactly what I need, thank you so much.

PUT YOUR FUCKING NEWSPAPER DOWN BEFORE I SNATCH IT OUT OF YOUR HANDS AND STAMP ON IT.

Oh no wait, I’d need ROOM to do that…

 

2. Leaning on the poles (whatever the time of day)

For those of you who regularly travel by tube, you may have noticed that there is a pole in the centre of each carriage. That is, if a human being isn’t engulfing it with their back.

My question is this- why do some people feel it’s more than acceptable to lean on this pole?

I could kind of excuse it, if, like me perhaps, the person in question is under 5ft 6 and therefore can’t possibly reach the handlebars above to hold onto whilst the tube is in motion. Or if the tube is simply so overcrowded that it leaves little space to do anything but lean back.

Unfortunately, the culprit tends to be a man over 5ft 10. This person usually has headphones on, blaring out some heavy bass, oblivious to the world around him and specifically oblivious to the 5ft 4 person to his right who has been left with nothing to hold onto for support- good, good good.

Are you quite comfortable there, Sir?

Great, I’m glad, because whilst you’re using that entire pole as your backrest, I am desperately hoping I don’t make a complete tit out of myself by falling face first onto the floor due to the fact I don’t have anything but my petrified feet to steady me. Or worse, use somebody as a padded bollard to lighten my fall- highly embarrassing for me and quite frankly, annoying and probably a bit painful for them (is it me, or does a stubbed toe just instantaneously raise your anger levels by 80%?!)

This could all be so easily resolved if you just looked up for more than 0.3 of a second and observed the CHAOS that is ensuing as a result of your stance…you silly, selfish mug.

 

3. Prams and Luggage (at rush hour)

My final pet peeve are those amongst us who like to travel at rush hour with their babies and all the accessories that comes with them, or a heavy suitcase/rucksack.

Don’t get me wrong- I appreciate parents with babies have to travel to get to places too and sometimes you have no option but to travel with a suitcase. I can just about excuse a small suitcase or rucksack….but an oversized item? Nofookinway.

It’s a struggle just getting onto a tube with only your bag and you alone to shove into the pit of hell, let alone trying to hoist a pram into the midst (and, you’d predict, at least one child along with it…and probably a large suitcase for good measure).

Don’t you think it’s hot, sweaty and stressful enough without having the added pressure of trying to fit your large item of luggage and/(or) baby onto the tube with a load of frustrated, annoyed, grumpy zombies who are just thinking ‘GET OUT OF MY WAY?’ Don’t you come away from the experience totally disheartened, thinking how horrible and unhelpful humankind has become?

The solution really is simple…help yourself. Wait an hour, that’s all. Have a nice, relaxing cup of tea, get your baby/suitcase ready at your leisure and head off, stress free, knowing there wont be a circus of cretins waiting for you at the tube station and that you actually might, just might, find someone half decent who will help lift your load onto the tube for you. And you may just be pleasantly surprised to find a seat is available for you too…

And if you really can’t wait, take the bus, or a taxi (price vs stress, remember that). In essence, ANYTHING BUT THE TUBE.

If anyone reading this has any feedback, or any other commuter hates they’d like to share- I’d be more than delighted to hear about them!